After Hailey was born, It was just the two of us.  Trying to figure out how to cope and be happy became a complete challenge.  I started dating a guy who’s family had money. I had to figure out what  it was going to take to Make me happy, and at this point I had tried everything else. I just wanted to be happy. Hailey needed a dad. I was young and stupid. I was grasping for any straw I could. His family was good to us. I loved his family. They accepted us like we were family. They acted as if Hailey was my boyfriends. However, just like my other relationships, I found him cheating on me with an employee of his in the back room, where his office was. I immediately went home, packed what I could of mine and Haileys and left. He called me later that day and said he had went and bought a ring that day and was going to ask me to marry him. Have you lost your mind??  I was glad I had found out.  But was very hurt. Hailey and I moved back in with my mom the same day.

Until the time Hailey was three, I kind of just went through the steps of being in relationships and trying to make myself happy. Yet I never found it. I started dating a friend, that was recently divorced. He also had a son around Haileys age. His wife had left them, and ran off with a nother man. We ended up starting a relationship, . It was a ready-made family.  Only I never was truly happy.  We broke up multiple times, because I was not happy. I was not allowed to discipline his son. Even though his son was constantly getting into trouble. He would go to the bathroom on the floor and smear it on the wall, when he was upset with me. He was suspended from school for beating the hell out of a kid, after the kid roared at him like a dinosaur and the kid had to have stitches.  I would end things and go right back, because my anxiety would always kick in and I would need my routine back.

I was truly un happy. He was cheating on me. He was always defending his son, and we were always fighting. I dated a couple of times every time we broke up, but I would always take him back. Because i needed my routine. No matter how unhappy I was.

One day I woke up and knew something was not right. I immediately went and bought a pregnancy test. Five to be exact. Started doing my thing on them. First One…Double Lines, Second One….Double lines. He was out in the Garage. I walked out to the garage and handed him both the tests. He didn’t belive me. The next morning I went to the Health Department to take a test, and confirm it once and for all.

I was pregnant. I knew what I had to do. My Mother was married multiple times, I always swore I would make it work, and it was the right thing to do to marry the man I was pregnant by. Even though I wasnt happy, I knew I would have to settle.

At this point in my life, I was broken. I wasnt sure at this point, What these emotions were that I was going through. I was crying constantly. I would start crying for absolutely No reason what so ever.  There were multiple times that someone would ask me what was wrong, and Honestly I couldn’t tell them what was wrong, or why I was Bawling my eyes out. I was a mess.  I didn’t want to be around anyone, I didnt want to talk to anyone, I was sooo mad at the world. I was mad at God. Why is it that when My Grandfather finally turned his life to you, why did you take him from me?  I needed him!!!

I was so angry!  My faith faded. I needed my grandpa. He was gone. I could no longer pick up the phone and call him. My hurt turned into straight anger. I hated everyone. My heart was broken. Why would God punish me by taking the only man in my life who truly loved me. Through my life, I had my relationships, like all teenagers do, But Never had I ever felt Loved. Now do not get me wrong here, I’m not saying a romantic relationship is the same as a relashonship that a Grandfather has for his Granddaughter, because it wasnt like that. The fact was the only man who had ever truly showed me unconditional love was gone. There was an empty spot.

I had gotten so bad, that I was ready to end my life. My life was over. I missed my Grandpa so much.  The hole that was left in my heart was one that hurt so bad. I physically was hurting along with mentally. Knowing I had to figure out how to continue living for Hailey, I turned to doctors. It was at that point I was diagnosed with clinical Depression. I knew nothing about Depression. I knew my Grandpa had ended his life because he was so unhappy, But I did not know why He hurt so bad or what was going on in his head or mine. I’m sure you have heard about depression, But, The same as I, I really didn’t understand what came with it. I did not know this is what I was going through.

Description of Clinical Depression: The persistent feeling of sadness or loss of interest that characterizes major depression can lead to a range of behavioral and physical symptoms. These may include changes in sleep, appetite, energy level, concentration, daily behavior, or self-esteem. Depression can also be associated with thoughts of suicide.

Symptoms:

In 2002, I was back in Texas and trying to be the best mom i could. Hailey was two and we were living back with my mom. One day I received an odd letter from my grandfather. It wasnt Christmas time yet, in fact it was summer. But he was telling us Merry Christmas, and how he had turned his life to God. Now as I told you before my grandpa was very special to me, but he was a grouch. Not one that you would have ever thought, would turn to God. The letter said that he loved me and Hailey very much. Inside was a heart-shaped locket.  2 days after i received that letter, i got a call from my dad. Hailey and i were outside playing in the pool and had just came back inside. My dad tried to break the news as easy as he could. My grandpa had committed suicide and had shot hisself in the head. I fell to my knees. I couldn’t stand, i couldn’t move. The man who had shown me so much live, the only man in my life Who made me feel so special was gone. I never even got to say Goodbye. Hailey had never met my grandpa so she was not affected. But me….well i took it hard. I ended up going into a doctor and having to be put on high dosed depression medication. I immediately flew back to Oregon. I met my dad’s side of the family at the lake where my uncles ashes also were. We went to the spot and spread his ashes. After we had spread his ashes, i took the locket off my neck and hung it on a nail that was on an old fence post. I couldnt belive he was gone. I can still hear his voice and see his smile. Sometimes i even get to hug his neck in my dreams.  I have felt Very empty since i lost my grandpa.  A piece of me was gone when he left.  There was no one to love that pumpkin seed and more, and to be honest that pumpkin withered and died when he left.

After I had Hailey it took me some time to adjust. It wasnt just me anymore that i had to worry about.  After the test results came back that, the bullrider was in fact her dad, i started getting emails, he would say i was ruining his life and his marriage. Ok yeah because you told me you were married. I gave him every opportunity too see his daughter. When Hailey was three, he decided to meet his daughter for the first time. He brought his girlfriend along and we attended the state fair. He had won Hailey a little stuffed animal. His girlfriend was jealous. To say the least. He than came, and brought his other daughter, and they went shopping.  Than two years went by before he seen his daughter again. Fast forward two years and he met us out at the lake where we were camping.  He spent the day with Hailey and than stayed the night. He tried to get me to sleep with him and suggested that we try to work on things and be a family. I declined. When Hailey and I woke up the next morning he was gone. Hailey stayed in touch with his mother and seen her on a regular basics. Up until her death, when she committed suicide. This was extremely hard on Hailey. This was the only link she had to her dad. It sent her into a very deep depression. At 16 Hailey went to spend Christmas with her dad. She didnt know him, she was so home sick, but she has continued to stay in touch with him to this day. Hailey is now 18.

I wasnt at my mothers long before, I moved into my own home. Still going off the deep end. Only this time it was worse. I dated more, trying to always feel loved. I was engaged only to find him cheating on me in the back of a vehicle. I grasped for any kind of affection, even if it wasent love.   I met an out of town bullrider, and we had a week-long, relationship.  He left and I went back to  a x boyfriend. The relashonship was good. We were a cute couple, Everyone loved. Things were so good. We both had decided neither one of us were ready to be parents so I went in to have a depo shot done. Little did I know I was already pregnant. 6 months pregnant to be exact. The time that Brad and I had been back together.  While neither one of us were ready to be parents, He was ecstatic. He was so happy. I had to break the news too him, that even though there was a chance that this baby may be his, there was also a chance it may not.

I was pregnant again. Only this time i had made it a lot further, than Brianna.  My pregnancy was hell. Every little thing made me nauseous. I couldn’t keep anything down. I was going into the doctors office three times a week for a shot of erbutaline. It was horrible. At this point I was far along enough that we were able to get a ultra sound and found out we were having a little girl. Brad stood by my side. Even though we had broken up at this point, after I told him it was a possibility that my baby may not have been his. Brad was great. My due date was March, 30, 2000. However after I had, my labor stopped so many times, She did not come.  One early morning, around 4 am, I was living back at my mothers. It was Tax time and she was a accountant. Deadlines had to be in. My Grandmother from my moms side had came from Oregon to be present for my daughters birth.  I woke up, in alot of pain. It was a pain I knew, But my mom said were gonna wait it out. It was probably just pre term labor again. I took a warm bath…Didnt Help. I put my legs up on the couch and laid on the floor, Didnt help….My mom told my grandma to take me to the hospital and have me looked at.

We walked into the hospital, My OB Met us there. He checked my cervix, I was dilated to a 9. It was time!!!! I begged for something for pain, but because i was already at a 9, There were no options. It was time to deliver this baby all natural.  My daughter was born April, 6th, 2000. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Chunky little cheeks, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 8 pounds, 22 inches.  I named her Hailey.

After My  little girl was born I went back and got my GED. I was so proud of myself. Hailey and I got a small apartment, and we started our life. I was a single mom. Soon after we did a paternity test. Hailey was not Brads. She was the Bullriders. I was crushed. He left me that day, and I never seen him again.

While i knew I had it coming, it was just like everyone else in my life. No one wanted me. No one loved me. I felt so alone. My saving Grace? Hailey!!!! Someone needed me as much as I needed them. Hailey was my God send.   My little angel Loved watching Tarzan. I always sang her, the song you will always be in my heart.

 From this point on, I lost it. I dove into the deep end and waited to be drowned. Life wasent worth living any more. I moved back in with my mom. I started partying. I went back on a wild streak. I quit school. I was never home. There were times I didnt even know where I was.

I met a man online and moved two states away.  For the first couple months things were good. Than once we started getting comftorable, he started going out with his buddies for drinks. He would come home drunk, he would wake me up just to beat the hell out of me. I couldnt go any where, I couldnt have any friends. My time was spent being a house wife and a maid. Even though we werent married.  When I would argue with him, or even if I didnt he would hit me. One night he came home after the bar had closed, he came home looking for a pair of underwear so, he could change the ones he had on.  I had done all his laundry and folded it and organized it and put it all ways, Hoping he would be pleased with me. He wasent. Instead I was thrown out a glass window.  I got up and ran. I ran to his friends x wifes house. I stayed with her for about 2 weeks and started seeing a local officer.  His father was the big head hauncho in that town and wasent having me dating one of the officers. He showed up blocked me and the officer in, and pulled me out of the officers car.  He drug me back to his house. The next morning, he put me on a bus and shipped me back to my mother. Telling me if I was not going to be with him, i was not going to live in his town.

After Marc left, I tried to find things to keep me busy . For the time that I had been in this new state, this new world, I had only knew one life. I started working for a local pizza joint. While working there I met a guy who was again tall, dark and handsome, and clearly older than myself. That summer before I went into my Junior year, I fell head over heels. While I had, had a taste of love. I fell head over heels for this guy. His name was Byron.  I moved in with him and his family. Things were good. I thought my life was finally started to fall into place. Everything I had always dreamed of was right in front of me.

I was head over heels in love with this boy. His x girlfriend however would not leave us alone. She continuley bothered us. But he assured me it was over with her and he loved me. Soon, I was feeling sick. I knew something was not right. I went and bought a pregnancy  test. I told him I thought I was pregnant. I took the test the next morning and sure enough, I was. I was so scared I was so young and was not ready to be a mom. Things at this point were rocky between Byron and I. I told him that I was considering a abortion. He got angry with me. He told me that was not a option. We were going to be parents. Reality was setting in.

At this point my Grandfather had fell very ill. I knew I had to be with him. I told Byron I had to go. We booked my flight. About a week later, he took me to the airport to get on the plane. I was going to be gone for two weeks.  He told me how much he loved me. He told me that when I returned we would start our new life. We would be getting married and having our baby.

When I arrived in Oregon, I immidiatley checked my e mail. You see this was the days before Cell phones exsisted. This was when we had to live with dial up internet. I logged into my AOL, and went to e mail Byron. However he had already e mailed me. Sitting there in front of me was a break up letter. It had only been 8 hours since he left me at the airport. In the e mail he explained to me that he was still in love with his x girlfriend, and he had to end things with me. I was crushed.

I told my grandfather I was pregnant. I spent my time crying. I was in so much pain. My periods were irregular anyways, and I still had my period while I was pregnant. Or so I thought. For two days I bled. It only got worse. My Grandfather rushed me to the hospital. A ultra sound was done, I was 16 weeks pregnant, but there was no heart beat. I had lost my little girl.  I at this point will spare you the details. Because honestly I do not want to relive this. I will just say a D&C had to be done. She was so small. She fit in the palm of my hand.

Hurt automatically turned to hate. I hated him for leaving me. I hated him for making me loose her. I blamed him. It was all his fault. My Grandfather held me while i sobbed for days. I ended up staying with my Grandfather for a summer instead. I needed him and he needed me. When he seemed to be getting better, I flew back to Texas.

When we moved to Texas, I of course started a new school. I hated it. I was shoved in lockers, and told “Newbies Arent Welcome here”. I had a very hard time adjusting to my new life. I was made fun of because I had an Accent” I didn’t have an accent” these southern people had a accent! This was my Freshman year, of High School. I was not able to skip school, because my school was out in the country. It was a very small school.  I made friends with a girl and we became very good friends. She was dating a guy from a neighboring school.  They set me up on a blind date. His name was Marc. He was tall, a junior, dark eyes, and dark hair. He was so handsome. He was so sweet. This was the first time that I was in a relationship, that Was actually a relashonship. We dated for 2 years. Right before his senior year ended he ended things with me, because he was going into the marines and did not want to continue something he didnt know what would happen. It was hard for me. But like a lot of High School sweethearts, We did not last. Years later….Well lets be exact here,  22 years later, we caught up with each other again. But now we are just friends.

As i mentioned before i grew up in a big city. I grew up in Portland Oregon. One of the biggest cities for gang population. What i failed to mention, was that I was quite the rebel child. I mean why wouldn’t i be? You should have already guessed this was coming with my history. I was skipping school, catching the light rail, going to the mall with friends, stealing, than heading to the waterfalls to spend the rest of the time i was supposed to be in school, with my friends and much older guys. I was sneaking out….well not really sneaking because mom was always out at the bar picking up her next sugar daddy. I was dating gang members. Going with them to take care of the other side who was stepping on there toes. My closet contained blue and red. Just depended on what gang member i was dating. I was only 12 mabey 13 at this point. I watched people get shot. I never knew names. Just that they were stepping on toes. I think this was the breaking point for my mom, and when i was sent to live with my dad,  Was when one i went to a football game with my boyfriend at the time who was in one gang, and my x bf who was in the other gang, and my bf was shot and paralyzed from waist Down. My mom shipped me off to my dad, which u read about earlier.  So baggy clothes and gang slang it was. My hair was a different color each week. Baggy pants and a crop top.  When i was moved to Texas it Was a complete shell shock. We moved to 10 acres out in the middle of no where. No sneaking out now unless i wanted to walk 30 miles to town. So started my transformation. Bonfires is where it started. My mom had some friends who Had two boys just a couple years older than me.  We pulled up to this bonfire which i had no idea what a bonfire was, there were all these people there. They were wearing jeans so tight They looked like they were wearing panty hoes, tshirts that were so worn out the sleeves had fell off, shoes that looked like a snake was on there feet,  and these hats that looked like buckets, what were they waiting on rain?  It never appealed to Me that this attire was something i would grow to love.  Men in wranglers, cut off shirts, boots and cowboy hats. It was time to ditch my baggy clothes for rockies.  It wasent automatic, just because you change your clothes, doesnt change who you are inside. That took some time.  As i said before i was put on 10 acres, full of cows, pigs, horses, dogs….you get the idea. Along with that came alot of chores. Along with that came something i despised. Getting my hands dirty. I was such a city girl. In time though, that city girl, learned to love everything about the country. She also learned to hate city life.

I want to go back and brag on my Grandpa a little more. My grandpa was my salvation. He was the man who never left my side. No matter, how bad I was or the situation was. So dont get me wrong, my grandfather was also a bitter old man, but not towards me. I was my grandpa’s pride and joy. I was my grandpas “pumpkin”. Everyone in the family called him Oscar the Grouch, my grandma would always tell him to go back to his trash can. Lol.  I can still remember my grandfathers musky smell. Every once in a while i will still get a wiff of it and smile.  I remember taking walks with Grandpa down to the orchard and picking peaches, and going across the street to pet the racing horses. My grandpa was such a gentle man when it came to me.  He would have given his own life to protect mine. He was a hard-headed man who never let me forget how much he loved me. Mabey that’s why my grandmother hated me so much, was because my grandpa loved me so much. Even until the day he died,  miles away, he made sure i knew how much he loved me. When i was in my grandpas arms no one could hurt me. I felt so safe and secure. The bond between us was one that was untouchable. He was amazing. He was my rock, my safe spot, he planted a seed, loved it, took care of it, watered it, and watched it grow. That seed was a Pumpkin seed. That Pumpkin seed was me.